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08 July 2009 @ 10:20 pm
Got another sibling.  
Anyone else think Rachel... you know, wasn't annoying enough in both movies? I mean I really thought she could've been even less attractive, less entertaining and more grating to listen to than she was--I could have definitely cheered louder in the theater when she blew up the first time, too.

Luckily, I guess someone else thought that one Dawes wasn't enough.

Title: Relief and Disbelief--I experienced the former after finishing this spork and the latter while reading it the whole time.
Culprit: DarKnight1Fan--not really sure what the Dar Knight is, though.
Sue-Type: Snotty!Sue, for reasons you'll see. Dumbass!Sue for being so damn oblivious.
Sue-Name: Lauren Dawes.
Hair: Don't remember. Probably like RAAAACHEEEEL'S.
Eyes: Don't know, see above.
Annoying Traits: Giving the reader stupid details, being really stupid about... everything that happens to her, generally being pretty snotty.
Connection to Canon Characters: Rachel's sister, stays at Bruce's penthouse for no real reason, and for some inexplicable reason is being stalked by the Joker. Just cuz.

We get a mixture of unneeded details of what the Sue is doing on the plane and a bit of an infodump of why she's there. Rather than, you know, jumping into the scene that's actually important.

Sue gets robbed in the airport.

Great I was just robbed and I hadn’t been on land for 10 minutes. Well isn’t that terrific! Not. Thees suit is NAHT black. All my stuff like my ipod, phone, wallet was in there and now I am going to have to cancel all of my credit cards.

“Lauren! Lauren!” I heard my name being called. Then a hand on my shoulder so, I pulled my shoulder away really fast, stood up, and faced who called me. Figuring it was the thief who stole from me in the first place Because the thief knows your name and would definitely come back for more. but was surprised to see who it really was. Bruce Wayne. Of course. He's not busy or anything, or estranged from Rachel. Rachel’s best friend Not too much anymore, dear. and a man I’ve known since the first time I came to visit Rachel.

“Lauren are you okay? It’s okay. It’s Bruce.” Uh, yeah, since you're standing right in front of her she can sort of blatantly see that. The look on his face was a confused one and a some what concerned look. Of course he was concerned about you, woobie. I’m sure the look on my face was a laughable one because I was taken by surprise. Oh, you.

“Uhm yeah, I know That punctuation makes me want to punch babies but I was knocked down and yeah, uhm *punches babies* my purse was stolen.” "And um, yeah, um, yeah. Um. Yeah. Mmbop. Yeah." I guess I had to catch my breath The "ums" didn't give you ample time to do that? because I didn’t know what to say and I kept looking around like I was lost. This is a really shitty way to express fear and confusion over what just happened. When it happened she seemed kind of like "Oh, darn," rather than "Holy shit what the fuck do I do god damn it this sucks crap crap." Too little, too late.

“Alright. Did you see the person who took your purse?” Same as always whatever happens its straight to business. *punches more babies* Look at what you're reducing me to.

“Not really whoever did it sort of came out of no where.” I explained. I didn’t like the feeling of everyone staring at us so I covered it up quickly and with the truth. What. Also, no duh everyone's staring at you--he's fucking Bruce Wayne.

“Okay well don’t worry I’ll take care of it. Rachel had a unexpected meeting to go to with Dent so she asked me to pick you up,” Were... you even watching the movie? The two. Are. Estranged. The man is also Batman--meaning no time for taking care of favors for his not-girlfriend, or really any favors of any kind since if he's not Batman, he's sleeping, working (or both, of course), or keeping up his party boy image. The man has no time for Sues. he put his hand behind my back and lead me to what I assumed was the luggage pick up, You don't pay much mind to the environment around you, eh? No wonder you got robbed. “You wouldn’t mind waiting for her to pick you up at my house would you?” You know, since his home is such a fixer-upper.

“Of course not.” I replied. Why wouldn’t I mind going to the riches man’s house in Gotham? Bruce was feigning modesty just so the narration could say this. Har har. It is to laugh.

“So, how was your flight?” Yes, let's recount that thrilling journey.

“It was good. I didn’t have to sit to anyone weird or anything.” A small laugh escaped his lips. "Sorry, I like talking to myself."

“That’s always a good thing.” Because Bruce Wayne knows what it's like to fly on domestic flights, possibly in coach, having only recently been rich in his life.

“Sure is.” We walk over the luggage pick up and got my bag. He offered to carry it but I insisted on carrying it anyway. You're so independent. It felt heavier then when I packed it, odd. Oh, don't worry about it. Just a bomb. Probably just because it have it on my sore shoulder so I switched sides and it wasn’t as bad.

Switched bags with the Joker. Five bucks on it.

“Are you hungry? We can stop by somewhere and eat if you like.” Bruce asked me. Such a gentleman, right? *barfs* How could Rachel not be with him instead of Harvey? WHY DOES EVERY MARY SUE--oh never mind, I know the answer already. Oh well guess I’ll never know because there is no way I can ask her that. It's not like sisters talk about personal things like that with each other. I mean Harvey is a nice guy and is letting me stay with them at their place. Still, he's not rich.

“How about a drive through if you don’t mind, I’m sort of tired of sitting.” So you want to sit in a car?

“Sounds fine to me.” "Burger King does serve caviar, right?"

After we had ordered through the drive through and received our food we were off to Mr. Wayne’s penthouse. I'm on the edge of my seat already. He asked me how my parents where doing and if I was nervous to go to school around here and basic stuff like that. Don't blink, you may miss something thrilling. I told him they were fine and yes I was but I wanted a change of scenery. You know, since going to a new school should be as simple of a reason as wanting a change in scenery. After all, it's not like consistency is far more convenient in education, and it's not like switching schools is all that stressful at all from both a social and technical level.

Once we reached the skyscraper he parked the car inside the garage and headed to the top floor. Oh the excitement. Will they slowly walk toward their destination or run a short jog? Will they scratch their noses or shift their feet? As soon as we entered Alfred was there to hang up my jacket. Alfred doesn't have anything better to do and simply stands at ready for whenever someone walks in.

“Alfred!” "How dare you!"

“Ah, good evening Miss Dawes. How was your flight?” IT'S EVENING?!

Because, you know, Batman doesn't have anything to fucking do! He can just take the night off for something like this. No biggie.

“It was good.”

“That’s wonderful.” Phew. I'm so glad I got that conversation.


Guess what? You owe me five bucks.

I got off the couch and laid my suitcase on its back and unzipped it. Slowly, unzipping it with care and precision. There it was. A brown box wrapped in party paper that had balloons and clowns all over it. How do you know the box was brown if it was covered in wrapping paper? Don’t let me forget to tell you about the bow on top of it and underneath that was a card. Oh, okay. I'll be sure to remind you later. Hold on, though, cuz I'm going to go put my head in an oven first. I was curious to open it I'm assuming this is pre-9/11, now, just because of that statement. but I went through my suitcase to see if anything was stolen because this present wasn’t here when I packed; nothing was. Yep. The first thing she worries about is if anything's stolen. Definitely pre-9/11. Should I give this to Bruce? Cuz calling the police doesn't seem like a good idea when you find a mysterious package that came from the airport. I mean that is pretty weird To say the very least about the seriousness of finding an unknown parcel in a suitcase. and what if it means something I think you should save philosophical questions for when you don't have a bomb wrapped up in wrapping paper in front of you. and I shouldn’t open it and ruin the fingerprints or something. Oh well, "I mean, what's the most that can happen to me? I might blow up or something? PFFT." I lifted the card out from under it. And promptly exploded because the wiring to the bomb was attached to the card. It was typed and said: Watching you. My first thought was creepy…but I opened it anyway. Devil may care, aren't you? I lifted a scrapbook out of the box. It was plain card board cut out in a rectangle for the top and bottom of the scrapbook and written on it in preschool penmanship was titled Memories of Us. ... just.... eh.... *massages temples* Where do I even begin?

In some canons, I can see the Joker doing something like this--albeit not in a fucking airport. He'd probably just leave it lying somewhere where his victim can see it. He's theatrical. He's a sicko. He would probably put effort into something like this just to make someone shit their pants.

Only problem? Ledger Joker is just a weensy bit darker than this. Meaning if he does something like this, this girl isn't getting out alive. Of course, since she's a Sue, we know it just means he's madly in love with her, not that he wants to eviscerate her and play with what's left over.

Not to mention if Rachel Dawes is, uh, alive, then that means this is either during or before TDK... which means he's busy with much bigger plans than stalking some chick. He has hospitals to blow up, banks to rob... he's not going to bother with her unless she magically fits into his plan, which is elaborate enough without her, frankly.

If I were the Joker? I'd probably use her just to get to Rachel Dawes. Then again, there'd be NO POINT in that, because the only reason he's interesting in Rachel in the first place is because of Harvey Dent, and he was quite successful at getting to Rachel without the Sue's ass. Besides that, even if he was just using her to get to Rachel, there'd be very little reason to keep her alive, and just by the nature of all Suefanfiction, we know that won't be the case.

Now I was bewildered who would go through my bag and leave a scrapbook? Oh just like we all are. Really. I opened the scrapbook to the first page and my heart stopped and I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. Pictures of me one after the other at different places since last year were on the first page and the second and continued. Yep. They had writing on them little doodles of how ‘cute’ I was. Uh-huh. I was really freaked out 'Bout time. and had to get out of this room. The fear of being watched was surrounding me. Deep. I grabbed the ‘gift’ Because this seems like a good time to be ironic. and yelled for Bruce and Alfred almost in tears. I mean what was this?! I don't know?!


“Lauren?” He reached me just in time as I collapsed. Of course. That's all he's there to do, right? Catch the Sue when she falls. “Lauren what is it?” Hey, you're collapsed. You shouldn't be aware! He spoke fast and worried. The Fast and the Worrywarts. I handed him the card and scrapbook but I wasn’t crying; Aren't you just so strong and independent. I bet I was pale. You bet? Cuz, you know, it's not like you have any internal body reactions to trauma--it's all external. Bruce set me down in the corner chair and read the card. After he read the card he just looked at me in a anxious way. "Meeeh." He moved onto the scrapbook and shock ran across his face. screaming, "I AM SHOCK! LADADADEEDEE!" as he ran. He must know what this means? I mean had he seen this type of writing before? Why would he know? He's just a dumb playboy.

“Bruce? What is this? I mean that’s not mine and nobody that I know of went through my bag.”

“Alfred I want you to run this for fingerprints and then tell the airport to send the tapes straight to me FAST.” Bruce ordered Alfred. Jesus, be more obvious why don't you? "Oh, and also? Get my bat suit ready."

Blah blah blah--oh, hi Rachel, magically appearing at a moment of convenience.

“Well, I’m not sure how this happened but I’m almost a hundred percent sure this is a Joker threat.” Because this is definitely his M.O. And you know, she would obviously be a target, considering she's a high school student and not part of the criminal justice system in Gotham. What the crap is he talking about? A Joker threat? That's pretty much what I thought.

“A Joker threat Bruce what are you talking about? *punches babies* What happened?” "A JOKER THREAT HAPPENED, OKAY?! God, Rachel, you're so useless."

“Just a few minutes ago Lauren,” "That's her new nickname. Just-a-few-minutes-ago-Lauren." he looked at me and then back at Rachel,” came out running with a ’gift’. She was running? Wow I missed that part. It was a scrapbook that had pictures of Lauren in with comments in it "The comments were all making fun of her and calling her a... a Sue..." about her being ’cute’.” Rachel gasped and grabbed my hand. WHO IS THIS JOKER? I DON'T KNOW. LET'S READ MORE TO FIND OUT.

“Don’t forget the note that said ’Watching you.’” I added. "That's the best part."

“Yeah,” Bruce agreed. "It was my favorite part, too."

“Bruce I think we should talk in private now.” Rachel stated firmly. "Awayway omfray isthay uckingfay Uesay, okayway?"

“No! I want to know who this Joker is right now.” I argued. "Or I'll scream real loud!!"

“We can discuss this in a second honey.” Rachel assured me. "Here's some candy and a Disney movie while you wait."

“Fine but we better.” I walked out of the room but didn’t go back to the TV room. I was too freaked out to go back into that room so I decided to go walk out on the balcony outside (Picture the one Rachel and Bruce are standing on in TDK). Thanks for breaking the already crappy flow of the story for that. Really. I stood out in the somewhat chill nighttime air and looked down below me. Man was it pretty out here all the beautiful lights and all. "Man, just... life, you know?" I was probably out here for 10 minutes when I saw something moving from the corner of my eye at the right. It was coming closer towards me. But when I turned around I got knocked out. That's what you get for faulty reasoning--"I have a stalker! Oh no! I better go outside in the open to collect my thoughts! All alone with nobody to protect me should something happen!"

Er, okay. So the Sue wakes up and is still safely with Rachel and Bruce. Do tell me, Suethor, what was the point of that?!

“You got hit in the head with this,” she held up a brick. ... You're kidding.

“Wonderful. Where did it come from?” I asked slowly. "Well, actually, it came from HERE! *bashes*" End chapter!

“Well, there was a note attached to it Oh come on. The Joker has a sense of humor but it's a bit more refined than that. Slapstick?! Really?? and Bruce thinks it would be a better idea if we would stay here tonight.” Of course he does. Bow chika bow bow.

“Oh, something from Joker I assume?” "Oh good, I was expecting something from him! How's he doing, anyway?" I know Rachel was keeping something from me. She usually did to keep me safe but I would just have to look around on the internet, news, TV, or anything to find out. You can find out who hit you on the head with a brick on the internet? Wowee. There was no use in arguing with her but when she didn’t say anything I went on, “How does Dent feel about you staying here?” Pfft. Wow. Can someone slap her, please? Bruce smiled at that knowing Harvey probably didn’t like the idea of Rachel staying here for the night Gee, wonder why. Maybe because it's completely illogical, considering that you all should've called the police a long time ago?! and that’s why I brought it up. Aren't you a wonderful brat? Rachel just frowned a little. You'd think she'd react more than that. But then again that would assume that she would be kept in-character.

“He would come get us but, if someone is following us then we don’t want them following us back home.” Rachel informed me. Or to the police station, possibly??

Yes, yes, I know all that junk about "Bruce's penthouse being the safest place in Gotham" but that was after Gordon "died" and the Joker was in the middle of his reign of terror. Any time before that or after TDK? POLICE STATION, NAO.

Rachel gave me a kiss on my forehead. "I'll come up with your milk and read you a bedtime story, okay?"

“Goodnight,” she said and left with Alfred and Bruce. Mind you, the Sue is in the "TV room." Is she just sleeping in there? Maybe I wasn’t going to like Gotham after all Yeah stalkers do change things a little bit. but changed my mind when I thought of boring home with nothing to do around town. OH YEAH. I'd definitely prefer having a stalker to just laying around all boring and safe at home!

Most blase Sue ever.

I put the laptop on my lap Well that's what they're for! and sat on the couch. Once it was on I clicked connection to see if there was one. YES! NO! MAYBE! There was one. I garnered that from the jubilant "YES!" I clicked on it and a message popped up: Sorry Lauren, don’t worry about it. The hell? Is he IMing you? "bruceman4ever: LOL j/k :)" Ugh! What now? Is he going to block the TV? "God if I can't have myspace and don't get MTV I'll going to blow my brains out." I turned my laptop off, put it back, and turned on the TV to a volume of 4. I have to have everything on even numbers I’m not sure why OCD I guess. Thanks SO MUCH for telling me that--you don't know how lost I would've been without such pertinent information.

Finds out exciting information, like that the Joker is actually a murderer and six minutes have passed since the beginning of that paragraph and I'm going to go put my head in an oven now brb.

I couldn’t go back home since I was being stalked there too! There's an interesting point. What's the Joker doing outside of Gotham?! Just then I heard a scream and things being knocked over. Oh god, what now? Relax, Bruce is just getting a bit frisky with your sister. It's what you wanted, remember? I decided to hide under the couch and be a smart person That'll be a first. even though I was worried about Rachel. How could I help here if I was taken? How can you help at all? The screaming when on for a few minutes Damn, girl's got a set of lungs on her. and I covered my hears I ear with my hears. while holding my breath the whole time. Why? Do you open your mouth and look up when it rains, too? But it stopped and my door was kicked open. Your door? How about Bruce's door? Yeah.

The man walked around the room. Searched everywhere except where I was. How you can tell this from under the couch? Who the hell knows, I guess.

Lame. It's just Bruce. COME ON! Hurry up and get kidnapped already.

“Sorry for the scare. Rachel is fine, she was just startled by the police coming into the house without knocking.” He told me. What, did Alfred call the police or something? And what the hell, did they bring in a damn SWAT team or something?! Since when do the police ever enter without knocking first?!

“What about all that stuff falling down?” Bruce laughed. Stop talking to yourself, Bruce.

“She startled the police officers and one tripped over the rug and broke the coffee table,” We both laughed at the same time, "Oh, our bumbling, incompetent police!" “So, can you sleep or are you going to just watch the news to find out about The Joker?” I turned red. How did he know? My head is starting to hurt from this stupidity, so it's time for a rant.

What the fuck gives the Suethor the impression that two people who are presumably looking out for her character's well-being would want to withhold information from her character? It makes no sense. If they knew maybe that her Sue got a bit over-ambitious and would want to play junior detective, maybe it would make sense, but we've gotten no indication that this character would do anything except be a damsel in distress. The intelligent thing to do would be to freaking tell her about the Joker. It's one thing to withhold information about the Joker when she's not a target, but the fact that she is means she needs to know who the hell is after her. How is she supposed to defend herself if she doesn't know anything about the person stalking her ass?

I don't even think the Suethor is using this as a plot-contrivance. She seems to think it's a logical reaction rather than, you know, the exact opposite. Therefore it makes my head hurt.

I followed Bruce out of the room and back to the living room (picture the room and TV where you see Bruce and Alfred watching The Joker on) Okay, well--you know what? I'll just skip the fanfic and watch the movie instead. How about that?! where a police man was pushing the broken coffee table to the side. Oh a hur hur hur. Cute.

For some reason the police are showing Bruce what's probably confidential police evidence, which they admit they shouldn't do but hey, they're doing it anyway. They're trusting him not to show it to anyone else. Which is really effing stupid. "Oh, I promise not to show this tape to anyone. Then again I'm not legally bound to follow these orders in any way since you just admitted to breaking the rules in the first place. So I'm just going to sell these tapes to the local news network and you can't do anything about it because I'll just get you fired by telling them you were the ones who gave me the tape in the first place. Sound like a deal?"

I saw myself appear on screen probably zoomed in 4 times and the camera followed my every move. I walked out of the hallway and stood looking for Rachel. Hallway of what? Where the hell are you? Where's the camera?! Head hurt. Then it showed me falling down but nobody had gone by? My purse was there one minute and then it was gone. THE JOKER'S A GHOOOOOST!

The police officers magically have her purse and claim that nobody stole it. Therefore, I've come to the conclusion that the officers stole her purse and tampered with the evidence to make it look like it was a bizarre accident. It makes more sense than not explaining any of this bullcrap.

“Well here in this bag we have your purse,” the fatter one began, Yes, we have a skinny and fat cop. Five bucks the fat one broke the coffee table. “A nice lady with her son dropped it by at the lost and found a little while after you left. Said she found it lying around by where you fell down. That you took off pretty fast and that you might be looking for trouble.” "She also made even more baseless accusations and uh--well, long story short, we have a warrant for your arrest."

“What?! Looking for trouble? I just got here and why would I want my stuff just lying around? Hmm?” "HMMM? HMMMM?!" I accused, my anger growing and making me talk fast. God you really are more annoying than Rachel.

“I’m not sure myself but people do crazy things,” the skinnier one said. "Not that you're crazy. Or people."

“Uhm no. This is my reaction to this entire scene. Believe me, Suethor, it doesn't make your Sue smart to have dumb stuff happen to her, it just makes your story look dumb. Rachel tell them about-”

“Maybe your right officer I want a right officer, too. but I can assure you that Lauren would never cause trouble like that. "So you're right but you're wrong. Or is it my right?" She probably just dropped her purse and it got kicked or something.” Bruce suggested. Your name isn't Rachel at all!

“No! It did get stolen I-” Rachel pinched my arm. Hey, that hurts. God they're both bitches. I wanna slap them both. I looked at her and she gave me the shut up now or else glare. Because chubby cheeks can just be so intimidating. I did. Thank god.

Bruce is asked by the police if he wants to keep the tape, the evidence overnight. As if it's NOT police property. Do they know he's Batman or something?!

I'm really confused so far. The Suethor keeps naming chapters, but chapter two was marked as "three" and now chapter three is marked as "five." I never saw a "two" or a "four." *scratches head*

It's almost ten o'clock when the Sue awakens the next morning and for some reason Bruce and Rachel both aren't at work.

Alfred nodded and left the room to go where ever he goes when he doesn’t have anything to do. It obviously doesn't matter if it doesn't center around you, dear. How was I going to ask Rachel what was going on when I know she doesn’t wish to tell me but really I have a right to know the truth. Dear lord, the run-ons. They'll be the end of me. Rachel was really cheerful when I asked to come live with her I mean I usually call her once a week to tell her I’m tired of mom being on my case and dying to live with her. "I mean it's not like I'm annoying you don't think I'm annoying do you I don't think I'm annoying maybe that's why this Joker wants to kill me I mean when I first decided to move here it was like so cool and like now it's so not you know?" What made her change her mind this time? I'm sure your stalker had nothing to do with it. None of this made sense. I was almost done eating when Rachel walked in.

“Alfred said you were looking for me,” she said as she smiled.

“I never said that. I said I was wondering where you were,” I corrected her but, I declare Alfred psychic, No, he's not. It's called fucking implication. When you ask where somebody is, it usually means you want to find them. Alfred is just a master at comprehending language, like most human beings. “ But yeah I didn’t want to talk to you. "So meh!" I mean I haven’t seen much of you since I’ve been here you know.” "So if you excuse me I have to go stuff more snot into my nose."

“Yeah. What do you want to talk about?” She just said she DIDN'T want to talk you! She obviously knew what yet, acting as if she didn’t. Because your sister is psychic, just like Alfred.

“I want to know why you finally agreed to let me come stay with you? I want to know what is so bad about The Joker? Because it's not the fact that someone is stalking you, it's the fact that it's the Joker. If you just had a regular ol' stalker--WELL, it'd just be a whole different story! I want to know why you are acting strange? Maybe because you have a fucking psychotic clown as a stalker? Maybe? And finally I want to know if you believe me that my purse was stolen?” DOES THAT EVEN MATTER ANYMORE!? God damn! Get your priorities straight.

“Ok, Ill tell you. First of all, The Joker just so happens to be a psychopath who decided to name me next and-” she started but I didn’t let her finish. Waaaaait wait wait. Where the FUCK are we in the movie?! I am so god damn confused.

“What do you mean he named you next? You don’t mean he wants to kill you do you?” I asked in panic. "You mean it ISN'T all about me?!"

Skimming until I get to the Joker as a person rather than a topic of conversation.

Bruce walks in at some point. Rachel speaks.

“Well, I must call Harvey for sure.” Bruce mouthed EW to me and I rolled my eyes and laughed. He then proceeded to mouth "Harvey's cock? Like--" he pinched his thumb and index finger together. "And me--?" he spread his arms wide apart. He finished with some pelvic thrusts for good measure. Rachel looked at me curiously. "Haroo?" I think there is more to Bruce than just his playboy image, How effing perceptive of you. he is always much different when Rachel, Alfred, or even me is around him. Because mouthing "ew" is so the opposite of what an immature playboy would do. I’m sure he’s more than just Rachel’s friend like I said in the beginning. Yeah, I remember. Rachel talks about him a lot too, but I don’t know why she just doesn’t go out with him. I mean, mouthing "ew" is just so charming. I may never know. She's still trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie-roll center of a tootsie-pop.

Bruce and the Sue display their wealth of maturity and logic. Sue wants to get out of the house and do something FUN in the face of a murdering psychopathic clown! What does she want to do?

"I don’t know. Anything.” "I just said it because I'm legally obligated to be free-spirited and quirky."

“I have to call Harvey first. I’ll be right back.” I'm guessing this is Rachel? If so--*mouths EW*

“Ugh! Fine.” I stared at the ceiling as she walked away wasn’t she such a boring person? I don't know, I'm reading your life story right now and I'm not finding it much more exciting.

“Would you rather see where I work?” Bruce wondered. Oh, yeah. That would be much more exciting.

“Why not?” That's a good summary of every lapse in logic in this fic. The Joker manages to sneak an unknown parcel into someone's bags at an airport post-9/11. Why not? It matters that no one saw anyone take her purse, even though she got it back. Why not? The police are bumbling retards in contrast to a teenage girl. Why not?

“Alright then, we shall go.” Tally-ho.

“Wouldn’t you want Rachel to come?” He half smiled as I asked this. "Actually that's why we broke up in the first place." BAM.

“Nah.” "Let's ditch her." You are the face of maturity, Bruce.

So we've found our "four." I'm still confused.

Sue is taken on an exciting tour of Bruce's exciting work building and now they're munching on nom noms--inside the office. I don't get it either.

The following bolding is not mine.

“I don’t feel like anything has really happened yet. I mean you’ll protect me right?” I half joked as I turned to face him. He just stared at me a moment and nodded. GOD DAMMIT--this is my bold. She took my bold away! For no reason! Grr!

“I will.” He sounded so serious. Yeah, cuz stalkers really aren't a serious subject at all! Chill out, Bruce. I guess you could say me and Bruce were somewhat friends, I mean he let you stay at your house and was now going out of his way to entertain you. Pretty obvious to me, ding dong. I mean I can tell him something without him judging me and he will listen. Disregarding what I just mentioned, eh? Nobody really does that in my family or any of my friends back home. He did sound really worried though and so I looked down at my shoes. To check for a bomb.

Wait, what the hell?

“I’d seen that scrapbook before last night but I threw it away before I came. I chucked it over the bridge and into the water. I saw it float down the river and I have no idea how it got into my bag. What is this, the fucking Jumanji of stalker books? The Joker's creepy but he's not made out of god damn magic. And nice, again, you don't go to the police. Oh, and let's not forget--she's JUST MENTIONING THIS. We're in her fucking perspective! We should've been told this as soon as she saw the damn scrapbook! This is freaking me out because if The Joker is so bad then that means I have been talking to a murdering psychopath for a year now.” You've TALKED TO HIM?! Since FUCKING when?! I looked straight at my shoes as I talked afraid of Bruce’s expression. I didn’t know he came around the table and over to my chair until he pulled my chin to face him. Er, Brucey, she's a tad young for you I think.

“Would you say that again, please?” He asked firmly and he was dead serious. "I need to make sure before I crack your neck."

“I never met him face to face. He only contacted me through AIM and then my phone. Oh LORD. The Joker has been reduced to a fucking cyber stalker! I’ve never seen a picture of him before Probably would've changed your mind, darling. and had no idea he was stalking me,” I would HOPE so. I started to talk faster, panicking. “I mean I’m not a 100% sure this is the same guy.” He went over to his computer. "Well let's see. Was his screen-name JokerinmyPocket? ... Yeah, that's him. YOU DIPSHIT."

“What is your phone number? I am going to try to hack into your phone and see where the callings from this guy is.” I don't even know if I can dignify that stupidity with a snarky comment. So I'll just leave it there.

I'm now waiting for the cyber confrontation.

bruceman4ever: hey
jokerinmypocket: who is this?
bruceman4ever: leave lauren alone
bruceman4ever: >:( >:(
jokerinmypocket: LOL.

And as simple as that, Bruce traced the calls to where the Joker has been. On his personal laptop. Riiiiiight.

I probably sat there for 10 minutes, collecting dust, when the phone rang. I figured someone would answer it, but it kept ringing and ringing. Then I decided it was getting annoying and answered it. “Hello? Bruce Wayne’s office.” For the first time in 2 months I heard his voice again. Oh goody. Now was a good time to get someone but I was frozen and scared now.

“I just knew my baby *hocks up* would come back to see me this time,” he said. When I didn’t speak he continued. “Aw, you aren’t gonna hate me now because you know who I truly am are you? "Gosh, girls are just SO superficial these days! I know I have a few scars--and yeah, I have a bit of a 'mean streak'--but ya know what? I've got a good heart." Ya know I told you I was going to watch you. Now it just depends on WHEN, WHERE, and HOW, I’m going to get you… told you I am a man of my word.” Movie-line. Urgh. Now I started crying. You WIMP. It wasn’t a sob just a few tears escaped my eyes. Thank god Bruce was walking in right now.

“Well, looks like I’m going to have to go. "I have to catch a bus." See you soon,” a faded laugh ended the phone conversation and I collapsed.

Come on, Suethor. I have a life ya know. Get to the Joker.

Bruce has the best idea ever.

“Now can you tell me where we are going?” To hell. Oh, wait...

“To the airport.” FUCK YEAH BRUCE.

“What?! Why?! I don’t want to leave I mean I just got here.” Shut up, he's busy exorcising a demon.

“If The Joker knows you are here then it is only a matter of time before he tries to get you. "... But I just got here!" But I have a plan to fly you down to a place I own in Florida and meet you there later.” WHAT?! I don't like this idea at all anymore, Bruce. That was a good plan It's really not. HE'S LEAVING YOU ALONE. but I still didn’t want to go.

You know, I wouldn't have a problem with all of this running around if they had CALLED THE FUCKING POLICE AS SOON AS THEY GOT THE FREAKING SCRAPBOOK and then the police turned out to be powerless, especially after the jail break-out. But no. We're just assuming the police is powerless, even though Rachel, who's actually in control of what happens to this kid, would never think that since she works with the police so closely. It's all so DUMB. I don't know how much more I can stand.

Although the thought of the Joker in Florida makes me think of LedgerJoker in the tourist garb the Joker wears in
The Killing Joke. Teehee.

FUCK YEAH IT'S THE JOKER! I'm almost done!

His eyes blended in with the black paint making them even more engaging. ... That's... one way to describe his eyes, sure.

It suddenly degenerates to script-format before switching back.

Bruce: “Let her go.”

Joker: “Don’t worry. I’ll take good. Care. Of her. I just want to have some fun!” "That's all girls wanna do, right?"

Bruce: “Damn it! Don’t touch her! Lauren? Hey?” "Hey? Hey, gurl? Hey?" I finally looked up at Bruce but I didn’t say anything. The Joker‘s goons where surrounding Bruce. I'd like to remind everyone that this is at an airport. “Hey, its going to be just fine.” I still didn’t believe him but I shook my eye’s up and down to let him know I understood. You generally nod your head when you understand, but okay, fine.

“Isn’t that right.” The Joker whispered into my ear only to give me a kiss on the cheek. No. I leaned away. Bruce sort of growled if that makes any sense? No. Bruce’s threats were fading away in the background as just The Joker, two of his goons, and me where headed to where ever they were taking me. YEAH, because Bruce wouldn't fucking do ANYTHING to help. The rest of his goons where holding Bruce back. Never mind that Bruce can easily take down goons. When we made it outside a huge van HUGE. Bigger than normal vans. pulled up and I was thrown inside. I think I've seen this scene so much with different Sues that I've thoroughly lost count. My head hit the other side of the van and I blacked out. Was it made out of titanium?!

Waking up in a place where you don’t know where you are is never a good thing. Especially when you wake up to a bunch of cackling red devils. I couldn’t place what had happened but I knew it wasn’t something good based on where I was. You already SAID something to that effect. We KNOW, it's not GOOD. I was in a Meat locker and very cold. Meat's locker. Meat was one of the Joker's goons. When I stretched out my lips, As opposed to opening your mouth. they were blue. Because you can easily see your lips without a mirror. I felt like I was going to die GOOD. so I stood up slowly and then started to move around to keep warm hopefully finding a exit. I didn’t know what kinds of meat were hanging from the ceiling and I didn’t care to much to find out. Good to know. The room was fairly big enough that incase something happened I would have a place to hide. Behind the meat? Where is there to hide in a meat freezer?! I finally found a door at the front of the room but it wouldn’t open. Banging on the door didn’t do any good either or yelling. Maybe if you asked the door nicely instead of yelling at it...There wasn’t a little window on it and it started to worry that I would never get out of here. Trying to stay calm, I walked to the back of the room to the outside door but it was locked too. How can you tell which door is the one to the outside or not?! Just then I heard a noise towards the middle of the room to the right side. It sounded like a moan. Great, the Joker's wanking it right outside the door.

“Hello? Is anybody there?” I asked. Nothing. I walked over to the noise and there I found a half clothed woman who had been beaten severely. LOL. It's another Sue from a different story! “Oh my god!” I looked around for anything to cover her with. "Here's some sausages--sorry, it was all I could find!" In the corner of the room I spotted a towel that looked fairly clean. Just had a few large blood stains on it--no biggie. Got it and ran back to her with it as soon as I did I heard the door in the front of the room open. Footsteps where getting closer so I crawled over to the corner of the room to hide under the table. I hugged my knees and breathed slowly.

“Yuck. Who covered you up?” "Now you're all covered in feces!" I thought hard "But it made head hurt bad." to see if that voice sounded familiar but it didn’t. That was a good thing sort of because it wasn’t The Joker. Oh! The Joker that’s what happened, DUH. I was kidnapped. Boy, aren't you a space cadet! Who was this though? I heard another yelp as the guy kicked the woman again. “Perfect. Now I just have to find the other girl. Oh where, oh where has she gone?” They'll NEVER think to check under the table!! He was getting closer. Then he was standing right in front of the desk. I thought it was a table. He looked down and I jumped because the mask he had on was a clown one. “The other girl hid under there too.” He laughed. "You are SO uncreative! I was pulled out from under there and thrown over the guys shoulder as he carried me out the door. Dragging his big wooden club behind him.

“Put me down!” I demanded. "I hit his back multiple times and even kicked my legs!"

“Make me.” He said. I slammed my fist into his upper back and he griped my leg tighter making me squeal In a good or bad way? so I gave up trying to get down and didn’t move. I saw him close the meat locker That sounds really dirty all of the sudden. door from behind and then turned a little so I was facing a white wall and heard him knock on a door.

“Come I-n.” Now that was surly The Joker’s voice. He is pretty surly, isn't he?

That's quite enough of that.
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Stockholm Syndrome - Muse
Sayuri Yamatowaters_of_lethe on July 9th, 2009 11:04 am (UTC)
Your sporks always amuse me to no end<3

Seriously joker sues are just, baaaad x___x
Gotham deserves a better class of fanfic.ledgerjokersues on July 10th, 2009 03:14 am (UTC)
Thanks. :D

And yes, yes they are. Every time a Joker Sue is written, the Joker flings a baby across the room. Well, he does that anyway, but still. Think of the babies.
habitual line stepper: It Would Be My Honorglasg0wsmile on July 9th, 2009 01:27 pm (UTC)
In the airport, why did I want Bruce to say, "Don't worry, it's me, Bruce, not a rapist. I gave that up years ago...always managed to put the ruffies in my own drink. Heh, go figure. Aaaaanywho, how was your flight?" *Kermit the frog nod*

When she got hit on the head with a brick, I LOLed - So. Fucking. Hard. My hopes that the Joker had decided to punk a Sue in-story, made my heart flutter. Like, can he please find a way to put a stick of dynamite in the toilet so she discovers it while on it? It should have a card on it that reads, "If it's brown, flush it down. If it's yellow, let it mellow." Maybe, a boxing glove that just shoots out of a bouquet of flowers, from her secret admirer *wink*, and sucker punches her?

I figure Alfred just goes back to his Small Wonder closet when he isn't needed.

Wait, she used to own that damn scrapbook? That threw me. If this is yet another, I-just-wanna-stick-ya, Joker on Sue fics, seriously...If you want Joker to bang your Sue just make it a Gonzo-I mean one-shot fic. No need to drag it out by including the pizza boy or in this case, the characters in TDK other than the Joker. Just give him some "lube and roses", have the setting be his hideout and they can get it on atop his stained mattress and make chaos babies.

Have you ever read, "Deal The Joker"? That is a shit-fic for the ages.
Gotham deserves a better class of fanfic.ledgerjokersues on July 10th, 2009 03:21 am (UTC)
Bruce be rapin' bitches up in China? Or maybe those were his wild college days.

I lol'd when I found out she got hit in the head with a brick. I thought she was doing the thing where "Sue gets knocked out and taken back to the Joker's lair nyeah-haha!" trope, but instead it was "Oh, you got hit in the noggin with a brick, you derf." It was definitely an interesting move on the Joker's part.

God I can't imagine how badly written a sex scene would come out with this author. "I mean I know it's not cool to like sex with the Joker do you think Rachel would be mad but it was so totally awesome need I remind you how large his balloon animal was he started stroking my breasts all nice like."

Do you have a link to the story? Always need new material.
habitual line stepper: He's Dead Jim HAHAHAHAHAglasg0wsmile on July 10th, 2009 07:51 pm (UTC)
No, Bruce kept drugging himself by accident and Alfred was tired of having to pick him up from strange places after he came to, being too out of it to drive himself home. Not sure when, Bruce seems dashingly asexual at times.

I lol'd when I found out she got hit in the head with a brick. It was definitely an interesting move on the Joker's part.

Well, yes. XD That would literally be when I laughed. I actually liked this Joker for a few seconds for that. I had fun figuring how he did it. At first, I saw him on street level with a bunch of henchies throwing rocks and bricks up at the balcony only to have it all rain back down on them, knocking one of them out. "Curse you gravity!" Joker yells while standing on his henchie's prone body for no apparent reason. "But, wait! Bruce is in the penthouse of a building that towers over Gotham. We can't possibly reach my soon-to-be meat-locker-love-slave from here." "Boss, you want we should start yellin' at 'er to make 'er come down to us?" He shoots him. Now out of henchies, Joker decides to go to the roof to throw the bricks down on her. That's when he attaches a note.

Making you fall for me. HAHahaHAhaHAHAhA
PS Nice rack. I totes looked down your shirt while I was perched on the roof. LOL 8)

Now, this fic has been mildly sporked before. That's how I found it. Nowhere near like you would do it, of course. And it is becoming notorious, especially now that it's made it's way to fandomsecrets. Here's the secret and here's the fic, Deal the Joker for your ... reading pleasure. It's 431 pages. It's free to download, $11.26 for the paperback book. It's...it's just completely WTF. I really think you'll have a good time sporking this. I laughed so hard just reading it. And as you read it, wondering why of all places Joker lives in a hideout called the ***** ********, and more importantly, how in the hell you'll get this time back, remember I told you about it. That could prove to be either good or really bad for me. I'll risk it.
Gotham deserves a better class of fanfic.ledgerjokersues on July 11th, 2009 12:46 am (UTC)
Your brick-note = better than anything the stupid Suethor could come up with.

Oh god that looks bad. Wait, $11 BOOK?! WHAT. Never mind I'll find out on my own, pffft.
habitual line stepper: Viral Marketingglasg0wsmile on July 14th, 2009 01:40 am (UTC)
Thanks. Did you know that Arkham was in a bowling alley? According to the cover, it is. Awww, shit!fic love.
Mary: nagase tomoyacuplesscupcake on July 9th, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC)
Your sporks are love <3

But... why do people willingly put this stuff on the web? ;O

"Alfred!" "How dare you!" :D
Gotham deserves a better class of fanfic.ledgerjokersues on July 10th, 2009 03:21 am (UTC)
Thank you~

Because they think they're geniuses and they're sharing something great with the world. D:
shutterdragon on July 9th, 2009 10:32 pm (UTC)
“A Joker threat Bruce what are you talking about? *punches babies* What happened?” "A JOKER THREAT HAPPENED, OKAY?! God, Rachel, you're so useless."


oh god, i LOVE your sporks. they always make my day. thank you for another amazing spork <3

this suethor seems to a complete dumbass as well.
Don’t let me forget to tell you about the bow on top of it and underneath that was a card.

Gotham deserves a better class of fanfic.ledgerjokersues on July 10th, 2009 03:23 am (UTC)
Thanks. :0

People who make my head hurt write like that. :c
lemon_m on July 10th, 2009 12:34 am (UTC)
Wait, wait, I've got something to add to this line: "I grabbed the ‘gift' and yelled for Bruce and Alfred almost in tears. I mean what was this?! I don't know?!*punches babies*"

Man, what a dreck. Beside the obvious horribleness of this thing, I think the worst part is that the author threw away the one thing that could have maybe who knows perhaps made sense: they didn't call the police. If the Joker for some reason went through all the trouble of stalking the Sue and making those threads, wouldn't he be doing it because he wants the attention of the police department? or something?
Gotham deserves a better class of fanfic.ledgerjokersues on July 10th, 2009 03:13 am (UTC)
I think all Suethors are under the impression that if it's bad, the Joker would do it. He doesn't need reasons to do it, he's just bad. It's not like he has any goals or anything. He just stalks girls cuz he's like that.

Or, of course, the Sue is Just That Special.
Mugetsuproject_mugetsu on July 10th, 2009 04:49 am (UTC)
FFS, I couldn't breathe towards the end of reading your sporking. Well done!
Stormageddon, Dark Lord of Allpleasure_past on July 12th, 2009 08:07 am (UTC)
I've just got to say: I will never get the image of Alfred standing by the door for hours, waiting for Bruce to return, out of my head.

...You know, those years when Bruce was missing must have really sucked for him.

Now to continue reading...
casey711casey711 on July 24th, 2009 04:25 am (UTC)
Amazing as usual :) Pretty hilarious.

Btw, not sure if you noticed but she apparently took this story down. I clicked on her profile and all she had up was a twilight fic. Wonder if she caught wind of this spork?
harley_quinn_52 on July 30th, 2009 12:03 am (UTC)
This made me laugh so hard. I really appreciate these. Here is another one, if you are interested. Even if its not a Mary Sue(I think it is my sister insists that it isn't) The Joker is EXTREMELY OOC. Also, I almost dies when she wrote OMG. I can;t believe these writers, but we can't even call em that.

Gotham deserves a better class of fanfic.ledgerjokersues on July 30th, 2009 01:02 am (UTC)
The first couple of paragraphs make it reaaaaaally tempting, but the girl is only 11... I may consider it, though, because I'm pretty mean like that. It's a pretty god awful Sue--I may have to check to see if it's even real or not. It's sort of unbelievably bad.
harley_quinn_52 on July 30th, 2009 03:17 am (UTC)
Yea, I was REALLY hoping it was fake, and still do, but the catgory says General/Drama. That Joker wants me to join you in punching babies.
casey711casey711 on August 9th, 2009 04:12 am (UTC)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5282118/1/How_the_Joker_Fell_in_Love may have some promise. I didn't get too far because her name just kind of irritated me. The Joker doesn't take too long to show up.

ohrubyblue: black glassesohrubyblue on November 11th, 2009 01:14 am (UTC)
I just found this and I'm not sure how I missed it. I laughed my ass off while I read these. I kind of adore you now. you're sort of my hero.

animefan19timewaster89 on February 5th, 2010 02:03 am (UTC)
Okay, I'm commenting a little too late, but I think I saw something like this is a low-budget thriller with horrible writing I once watched. I'm telling you, this fanfic could be such. Oh and I'm not really a Rachel fan, but I actually thought that Rachel improved somewhat when they changed the actress from Katie Holmes to Maggie Gyllenhall(sp?). Maybe I'm just being biased.