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02 February 2010 @ 12:14 am
Back from the grave  
What happened to me? Simple answer: college. More truthful answer: lack of interest. It's fun to spork but it kind of takes... you know... effort.

I'm planning to do more on this story since it's just... so, so bad. But updates will be spastic and infrequent, more than likely. Sorry folks, I've never been a very consistent person, lol. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Title: Deal the Joker--which you can buy on lulu.com! ... Or just fucking read the entire thing for free, since that's complete bullshit!
Culprit: Rachel Twistednightmareprincess--Gee, ya think that's a pseudonym?
Sue-Type: Dumbass!Sue, so far. She's got a bit of a Snotty!Sue in her, and I sense she will develop into a Badass!Sue who will replace Harley as Joker's sidekick. Poor Harls.
Sue-Name: Sally
Age: Young and stupid, no doubt. Well, DEFINITELY no doubt about the latter point...
Hair: Short and black
Eyes: Brown and wild. ~*Ooooh.*~
Annoying Traits: A total and complete dumbass. She's actually been more amusing than annoying so far.
Connection to Canon Characters: She gets kidnapped by the Joker. I know, I was totally shocked by that too.

I was angry. God, so angry. I could have burst into flames. Don't get my hopes up. I was stuck, in the middle of the night, in the back streets of Gotham City. No, literally stuck in the streets. She had stepped into the wet cement, and, well, paramedics weren't exactly eager on saving a Sue... This place is notoriously dangerous for killers and rapists, Then you should be fine so long as you're not a killer or a rapist, right? even though Batman tries to keep everything under control it's still seething with criminals. Great job, you've undermined a canon character already. There's a record for ya. I was stupid End story! enough to stay at my cousin Molly's apartment for the week and then walk home. I could have got a cab, but no, I was stubborn as usual. So... you're angry at yourself? You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? I thought I'd be fine. Well, I was wrong.

I decided to call my Dad on my cell phone. That was his name. Dad. I waited almost a half an hour for him to pick up, I don't think telephones ring for that long. but predictably he wasn't carrying it around with him. Wasn't carrying what around with him? Who? What? I got so frustrated with everything I threw my stupid cell phone to the floor and stamped on it hard, Yep. Definitely an idiot. With a side helping of anger issues. grinding it into splinters of metal and plastic. So you weigh like, what, 500 pounds? Cellphones aren't easy to crush, especially if you're only wearing dinky little heels. Cursing in growing despair, Interesting way to curse... I scanned the area for any one who could possibly help me find my way home out of this stinking labyrinth. Maybe David Bowie will help you.

However, there wasn't so much as a one-legged bum to offer help. Because handicapped homeless people are lesser people. Looking down at the black stiletto heels I was wearing for a joke, Why would you wear those for the hell of it if you KNEW you were going to walk home?! I just knew they wouldn't last the long walk back. I'm not dumb- I sincerely disagree. well, I admit I am common-sense wise- Which would make you dumb since it's called common-sense for a reason, as in you don't need to be that smart to know it. so I tried to use simple logic. Simple, slow and only using numbers between 1 and 10 since that's the highest she could count to. I lived in West Gotham, and by my rough guesses this was East Gotham. East side. *throws gang signs* I couldn't possibly be any further away! You could be outside of Gotham. Out of the state. Out of the country. Out of the story...

Feeling completely miserable I turned west and began to walk slowly. Using the compass she had in her head. It was pretty creepy out there; nobody was around. Since, you know, cities are normally so quiet at night. There was an overall silence everywhere but every so often there would be an explosion of psychotic laughter, Lord have mercy. usually accompanied by random screams. Why are you telling us this now?! Any normal human being would've been too freaking occupied by that to whine about anything else! I was really glad that wasn't me being terrorized. Because there's such a guarantee that you won't be next victim after the first is done for! Oh, and, you know, who cares that another human being is being harmed somewhere so long as it isn't you?

"Jesus, it's cold," "What, you want a damn Snuggie?" said Jesus. I muttered to myself.

Looking nervously around I saw that the streetlights were pretty crappy Just covered in crap. quality so it was almost pitch black. Using both hands to guide me I stumbled down a really right alleyway. Why do I have a feeling this Sue is blonde? Suddenly there was a crash right behind me. I whipped round, wielding my purse like an offensive weapon. "Stay back, I have Gucci and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"Who the hell is that? I could never guess. Stop stalking me, you freak!" I snapped. Silence. Had I imagined the sound? I didn't think so. But then again, you are an idiot. But it was so hard to tell and I was so spooked that anything could be in my imagination.

Before I could move an inch, Not even a centimeter! a blade of grass was pressed against my throat and a muscular arm encircled my waist, trapping me completely.

"I'm not the only freak here," a voice hissed Got that right. maliciously into my ear. We need to know it's malicious, because we won't know that it's bad, considering it's coming from a guy who's holding a knife up to her throat. The person at my back kept a firm grip on my body as he began to walk me backwards. He suddenly burst into unnaturally evil, cackling laughter, Oh I just wonder who it is. a sound I recognized from the news reports on TV. It was the Joker. BAHM BAHM BAAAAAAAAHM.

At once I began to struggle like crazy, Like, you know, like, a crazy person or something, you know?! screaming at the top of my voice. I couldn't see the Joker's face, but I could imagine a long, scarred grin spreading across his features. Anyhow, But enough about the psychotic clown's scary look! More important things at hand! I was pretty much concentrating on the knife, which had an extremely sharp edge, Because knives generally don't, after all, so it's totally worth mentioning. which was now pressed directly against my windpipe. Well that's your own fault for bringing along your musical instrument when you know you're going to get mugged! Obediently, I became still again. I don't think he asked you to stay still.

"That's it, niiiice and still," "Ooh, yeah, like that." he chuckled. "Now why don't you turn around so I can see if you're pretty?" PFFFT. Because the Joker would give a crap whether or not his victim is pretty. He just has such high standards, after all.

If I were the Sue I'd make some kind of ugly face so the Joker would let me go.

Slowly, my heart pounding in fear, I turned to face the Joker. "... Meh, I give you about a 5. That's a five out of ten, not out of five. You're free to go." Seeing him on your TV screen is pretty scary but this was something else. Dude, it was, like, grade A, Friday the Thirteenth type scary. Shyeah. There was a sort of insane aura of power and insanity hanging around him, Gee, I wonder if that aura has to do with him being fucking batshit. which was nothing compared to the Joker himself.

Obligatory Joker description that we all totally need since none of us have seen the movie.

"Hello beautiful," *sigh* the Joker grinned. My hands started shaking so much I dropped my purse, spilling wads of cash onto the ground. The HELL? Who walks around in the middle of the night in the city with WADS OF CASH in your god damn purse?! Nonchalantly, he kicked it away.

"I don't want your money, babe, don't worry," He was a charitable gigolo. He leaned forward so that his breath fell on my face. "Want some sardines? I just brushed my teeth with some. Then I ate a whole onion and washed my mouth out with sewage water." "Yeah, I thought so. You're a killer bee."

"I don't know what you're talking about!" I yelled, shuddering.

"What did you say?" "I said I don't know what you're talking about!"

“I said...” "I don't know what you're talking about!" Okay I'm done. I began, wriggling uncomfortably beneath the knife. PROTIP: You don't want to do much movement beneath a knife... ever. I never finished; the Joker’s fist slammed into my face so hard I flew backwards across the alley. ONE-HIT K.O.

“You lied to me. I hate liars. I’m a man of my word, you see,” Holy massively taken out of context movie quote, Batman. the Joker said, smiling. He roughly pulled me to my feet, laughing shortly at my expression. He was just like "HA!"

“I don’t know anybody who would call YOU a man,” I sneered in disgust. "You're just a... freaky, clown thing!" I just wanted to get away fast before there was any more violence. Which is exactly why you mocked your assailant instead of running away after the punch. Got it. But I knew he wasn’t going to let me go.

“You’ve got a sharp tongue in your head too,” "Although it's kinda gross just poking out there like that... can I touch it?" he snarled, jerking me towards him. Hey, don't jerk my chain! Ha-ha-ha. “If I were you, I’d keep it in there, "It's kind of creeping me out now." so somebody doesn’t cut it out.”

“Such a charmer,” I muttered faintly. The wild grin flew back on his face. Remember, when you get attacked by a violent, psychotic man, keep being a smartass.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name there,” "You know, in-between me punching your lights out and all." he said sweetly, stroking my cheek with his gloved fingertips. I felt helpless to resist. Oh yes, who can resist the guy who threatens you with a knife in a back alley?

“Sally,” "My brother's name is Charlie Brown." I said quietly. I realised it had begun to rain and looked at the Joker in interest, wondering if his make-up would run or not. ... You need to get your priorities worked out.

“Sally...” He licked his lips. “I like that.” "Can you call me your Sweet Baboo?"

Suddenly he shoved me hard against the hard wall and licked my neck instead, Instead of... what? then carrying on to my jaw and finally my lips. *cringes* Speaking from experience, getting licked when it's unwelcome and random is really, really gross. I was right about his make-up; Good to know. some of it ran from his mouth and dripped on my tongue, tasting chalky. *gags* Ew.

“Like that, Princess?” he demanded, grinning. His teeth were dark yellow and damn ugly too, So I'm sure his breath smelled great when he was licking you. if you ask me. The Joker looked up at the steady rain in irritation. "Stupid weather."

“Aw, this is gonna spoil my fun,” Always prudent, the Joker didn't want to catch a cold in the middle of his random molestation. he complained. The knife dropped from my throat, allowing me to breathe freely again. Before I could get away, the Joker pushed me roughly into a dull grey square where a battered purple van was waiting. A square...? As we got close to it the passenger door in the front flew open and some guy in a clown mask peered at me in obvious surprise. How is it obvious if he's in a mask?!

“So you found the girl!” he yelled. “Are you gonna kill her?” Silly henchman, don't you know that Sues never die from the Joker?

“Maybe later,” said the Joker cruelly. I would have never figured out that the Joker was speaking cruelly without you saying so! He shoved me towards the back of the van and kicked the doors open. “Come on, Gorgeous, get in the damn van.”

“Fuck you, Clown-face!” "How dare you! I do not have a clown-face--oh, wait." I screamed in disbelief. I kicked him where it hurts most The Joker has a notoriously bad knee. and made a dive for the alleyway. But the Joker’s reactions were too fast and he grabbed me by the leg. The Joker is only three feet tall, you see, and that was as far as he could reach... He dragged me across the ground, ignoring my howls of frustration. Next he tried to throw me in the darkness of the van headfirst but I clung to him and the van door grimly, "Ack! Get her off me! She's like one of those velcro monkeys!" doing my best not to let go.

The Sue gets knocked out and put into the van in one paragraph and is up the next.

“Princess... rise and shine...” Was there any point to learning her name? Seriously, it's not like you're using it or anything. I heard a voice calling me. My head was pounding and I was pretty disorientated but I forced my eyes open. Once my vision had cleared the Joker’s mocking face swam into view. He was perching like a bird on my middle middle what? as if it was the most normal place in the world to sit, smirking happily. I tried to sit up, but my bed hurt too much. My pillows and comforter were all sore! Ignoring the Joker, I reached up to touch my scalp. There was blood smeared on my fingertips.

“Why did you have to do that?” I asked blearily. "It's not like you were trying to violently force me to do something against my will or anything." I gazed around at the purple and green room. Yes, Ledger!Joker seems so wont to color coordinate. I was definitely lying on a bed. Doesn't that hurt? The bed I mean. I started to panic silently.

Joker states the obvious. Really, what part of a kidnapping doesn't she get? The against her will part or the one where the Joker plans to jump her bones?

“Well, I don’t usually leap into criminals’ vans at will,” They usually have to give her candy first. I snapped back angrily. As the Joker straddled me It's so rare to see the word 'straddled' outside of a slash fic. Possibly any porn fic, but it's not like I would know that. I squirmed beneath him, feeling embarrassed and wary. But scared? Hardly worth mentioning!

“What do you want with me any way? Seriously though. Why aren’t I dead already?” Yeah! Finally some logical questions.

“I just wanna ask you a few questions. "It's just a short survey. Now when was the last time you purchased or leased a new or used car?" Like, why did you kill one of my men?” Because the guy who goes through men like toilet paper? Totally cares.

His face lowered to mine, his features twisted in anger. Breath still pungent with sardines, onions and whatever else I may have listed previously.

“I seriously have no idea what you’re talking about,” I protested. I stood outside Town Hall and demanded my right to have no idea what heinous plot the Joker has contrived out of convenience of the grammatically-challenged person who wrote this tripe!

“Oh really?” I could tell he didn’t believe me. I'm aware of sarcasm. Thank you for that, though. “Then why did I see you going physco on Shark two weeks ago? Huh?” Why is he employing aquatic creatures to be his henchmen?

I shook my head. This guy was definitely insane. Gee, what tipped you off?

Of course the Sue didn't do it, but for some (probably contrived and stupid) reason the Joker is insisting she did.

“Prove it, Clown-boy!” "I am NOT a Clown--oh. Well I'm most certainly not a boy--oh." I burst out in irritation. The Joker nodded thoughtfully, then suddenly switched on a green TV set with a remote. Does he live in Nickelodeon studios or something? Where the hell would anyone get a green TV set? He fiddled with the buttons before a picture appeared on screen. On accident. The Joker actually had no idea how to work a TV. A huge man wearing a clown mask with jagged teeth on it was threatening a woman with a gun, trying to force her to hand over something. This was clearly Shark. And the Joker just has tape of this. Conveniently.

Just as he was about to pull the trigger The camera just so happens to pan up to his finger. Conveniently. a girl who looked exactly like me came running from the other side of the street and flew at him. I’ve never seen anyone
move so fast.

She attacked Shark with her bear hands, She spontaneously formed bear claws to attack and rip her victims to shreds! ripping at him. He was taken by surprise so the girl was able to snatch up the gun and aim it at the guy’s head. How can she work a gun with bear hands? Although the thought of bears with guns = awesome. She let loose with a volley of bullets so thick Shark’s face ended up looking like a colander. A very bloody, very fleshy colander, so really, nothing like a colander at all. He collapsed on the ground at my doppelganger’s feet, stone dead. The woman had already run away but the girl stayed. She smirked at the dead body and pocketed the gun. She then proceeded to let out a roar and spray her scent to establish her territory. I saw her face was splattered with blood. Finally, to my utter disbelief, she winked at the camera filming the incident and walked away. She was ACTUALLY whistling, as if nothing had happened. "Bear hands? What bear hands?"

The tape cuts, and the Sue obviously still doesn't know what's going on.

I couldn’t even remember what I was doing that day (I knew the date from the little red message on the bottom of the screen while the film played) Good thing you noticed that in the midst of your terror. and that scares me most. Because people remember everything they do every single day of the week.

Suddenly, it’s like I’ve lost my memory. Everything that has ever happened before staying with Molly has gone blank in my head. That's convenient. No messy background story for you! I remember the people in my life, but seriously that is all. Seriously? Like omg. I stare in horror up at the Joker.

“That wasn’t me, I swear,” I cry out, feeling desperate. The Joker’s knife rubs along my cheekbone, Jeez he's sliced along that far, has he? making me shiver in fear. He notices, and licks his lips.

“Alright, alright, don’t bust a nerve Princess,” Yeah, don't grind your gears, don't pop a blood vessel, don't stretch your groin. he soothes. Suddenly He grabs my throat and roars right in my face. “IF THAT WASN’T YOU THEN WHO THE FUCK WAS IT? YOUR SISTER???” "MAYBE A COUSIN?! OR WAS IT PERHAPS AN AUNT?! DOES YOUR UNCLE HAVE A NIGHTLY DRAG SHOW YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT?!"

I nearly leap out of my damn skin. I sure wasn’t expecting that outburst. "Gee, the Joker sure is scary!"

“How should I know? I don’t even remember any of my life before last week!” I admit, feeling completely dumb. “I just know that wasn’t me! Look me in the eyes, Joker, and tell me I’m lying.” Yeah, that's definitely going to work on him.

This challenge surprises him. It's rare to see someone that dumb in the face of getting themselves cut to pieces. He glares at me with a twisted smile for quite a while, then shakes his head.

“Well, you look truthful. You would certainly be the fair judge of that, Joker. There must be something hidden in that pretty head we can’t see.” I don't think there's much in that head of hers, honestly.

He carefully slid off me. Like silly putty. I took a breath of relief, then cringed as the pain in my head panged. The Joker sat down on a chair, smirking. He looked totally in control and sure of himself. Yeah, the Ledger Joker looks are as definable as that. Okay. As I propped myself up on one elbow, I noticed the mirror behind his chair. I looked at myself in it. My short black hair was all ruffled up, and my brown eyes looked kind of wild. Oh you poor thing, you might have to *gasp* redo your make-up!

I’ve been told I look like a sexy elf teasingly by my guy friends before "I was a hit at all of the Lord of the Rings conventions." but now I could see what they mean. Not that that’s a good thing or anything. Yeah, it's not a good thing to be considered sexy and gorgeous by guys! Really. So it shouldn't count as a Sueish trait at all! Still, I’d rather be a sexy elf than a crazy clown. Doesn't that set you apart from the crowd. The Joker’s eyes never left my face. "So I took them off and put them right back in his sockets." He licked his lips again (must be a habit or something) How observant are YOU! Look at you, being so observant. and leaned back in his chair. I tipped my head on one side suspiciously. You know that adorably dumb look that pugs and other little dogs do when you get them excited? Yeah, that's what I imagined. If I hadn’t know better, I’d have though he was inviting me to sit on his lap... .... Ehhhhhh.... ooookay.

Can you imagine Ledger!Joker with a "come hither" look on his face? .... Yeah, neither can I.

So that's the first chapter. I want to do more, but we'll see, hmm?
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown) - the Beatles
(Deleted comment)
foxypope on February 2nd, 2010 05:20 pm (UTC)
I promise to throw you a floatie next time...? :D

Resurrected Rachels? 4srs? Is this a new phenomenon I should look into? Sounds like potential for canon-Suedom would be high there.

foxypope on February 2nd, 2010 05:23 pm (UTC)
WHOOPS WRONG ACCOUNT. Oh well I have been unmasked before. I am no Botmon.
casey711: .snapecasey711 on February 3rd, 2010 03:13 pm (UTC)
This is weird....I was actually just thinking about how much I missed your posts yesterday and then last night when I couldn't sleep BOOM here it was. I had to stop reading it though because I was having such a hard time not laughing out loud I was afraid I'd wake my roomie.

Epicly hilarious as usual. I think this might be one of the dumbest Sues. I mean...an invitation to sit on his lap? Seriously? I don't even....this does not compute!

I nearly leap out of my damn skin. I sure wasn’t expecting that outburst. "Gee, the Joker sure is scary!"

How does one NOT expect an outburst from the Joker? He isn't exactly what one would call 'normal'.

Glad to hear you'll be doing more! I can't wait. Good luck with college and whatnot!
Mugetsuproject_mugetsu on March 2nd, 2010 03:02 am (UTC)
I cannot express my joy from reading this spork. I miss your sporks, and will gladly look forward to them in the future, even erratic ones!

Keep up the good work, and good luck with your edumacation.
He got chased by all the vampires everharpsi_fizz on August 30th, 2010 08:44 am (UTC)
Mmmh, shoulnd't have read these... they just make me miss you more. Come back! Accio YOU!
nightsai on February 28th, 2011 08:38 pm (UTC)

"'I don't want your money, babe, don't worry,' He was a charitable gigolo."

"She attacked Shark with her bear hands, She spontaneously formed bear claws to attack and rip her victims to shreds! ripping at him. He was taken by surprise so the girl was able to snatch up the gun and aim it at the guy’s head. How can she work a gun with bear hands? Although the thought of bears with guns = awesome."

This, made my day. You're fantastic, keep it up.
sagoriga on April 10th, 2011 05:03 pm (UTC)
For some reason, I can’t see all of this content, stuff keeps hiding? Are you taking advantage of java?

sagoriga on April 12th, 2011 10:52 am (UTC)
You made some good points there. I did a search on the topic and found most people will agree with your blog.

khalinmyto on November 1st, 2011 08:46 pm (UTC)
I’ve recently started a blog, the information you provide on this site has helped me tremendously. Thank you for all of your time & work.