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19 May 2013 @ 07:35 am
*blows dust off the old journal*

So let's consider this our official stopping point in the study.

Hello. I was once foxypope. I'm known by other names on the internet but you don't have to worry about that.

I'm just going to go over what's pertinent for you to know, if you ever were interested in this journal

and if anyone happens to still be around to *care*

since it seems Livejournal has gone the way of the elves.

So in 2011, I went crazy. Big time. I experienced the voices and occasional hallucinations and huge giant delusions to try and deal with all of it. My body was betraying me at the same time my mind was.

I'm just letting everyone know that me at 17-18 was actually dealing through shit with this journal. It was not meant to ever be a simple exercise in *whatever*--what makes a good Joker fanfic? Good writing? Certainly not. I was putting out venom because I felt extremely misunderstood...
I still feel misunderstood. More than ever, thanks to the institutions that processed my mental illnesses.

What I realized *while* I was going through all of this is that I really enjoy analyzing people
and I especially liked to analyze people when I felt I did not understand

I'm past the point of pretending I don't understand people, now. Half of the venom I spit on these journals are fucking sarcastic. I actually now can read
what these poor shitty writers intended to write.
I just spit at the presentation because I know it's inadequate for communication across the board. It frustrates the living fucking Jesus out of me to see clunky ass writing.

I can read their intentions on the page and it's scary for me because
everyone else just
can't? Or is it me?

So yeah. I just want everyone to be aware that I was never an expert. I had huge writing hurdles to go through when I abandoned this journal because I was convinced there is only one "right" way to write.

There fucking isn't.

I will never be convinced that I can't say when something is shitty in a piece of writing; I will always be good at pointing out stupidity in language.

It's just there's definitely a point where it no longer matters.
It does actually exist, I assure you.
I would sooner have the intelligent folks who enjoy this journal to actually like
consider and acknowledge
that shitty stuff we hate is all coming from some weird place where people feel a strong need to express themselves
than to find themselves where I was
which was constantly doubting and questioning myself

I'm not going to pretend like anything I posted here was secretly gold: it is definitely like around kicking fetal abortions inside the trashcan, gotta tell you. It was only educational to an extent.

I mean I learned things. I think I might've helped others? I am not sure at the moment.

If you want to know what I'm up to now: Uh... not livejournal, unfortunately. I'm on tumblr and if anyone is still around they are absolutely free to ask me what it is, but I won't post it for now.

I am on the Facebook because after going crazy I realized people in reality actually do *really really* like me. It's cool. I almost feel popular but I can hardly say I am. I'm just extremely fortunate to be surrounded by a group of creative people and come from a creative family; I don't question my perspective so I'm not really spending a lot of time wondering about others. *TRYING* not to.

Fandom wise, I've read a lot more Batman and can say I think I'm wrong in a lot of instances in this journal... Overall though I'm way more into Sherlock Holmes now, and yes, it was because of the BBC series, but now more than ever it's for the original stories that Doyle wrote. Right now I'm dealing with this weird feeling of fucking hating the Johnlock fans for almost universally, by mine eye, not actually reading the original stories (of which I've almost read 20 and I'm feeling boss for it) and feeling so disconnected from the rest of the fandom otherwise, because all I see is Johnlock... it's not even funny. Definitely feels like I come from the same weird planet Sherlock Holmes came from, some days...

Believe me, it's taking a lot of self-control not to break out my ideas of ruthlessly mocking them, too. Mostly because I have bigger fish to fry.

I am no longer really afraid to write.
I am much better at drawing.
I'm going to write comic books for all of you. Anyone who has read this journal gets a free copy of anything I ever publish in the future, you just have to mention that I did this and tell me your favorite part from the journal. (If it becomes a news story this contract is void, I r sorry, u might still get something free though for being smart and informed. Just wanna keep it to my real fans ya dig?)

And yeah I'm making plans for being big and famous so waht
Like I said
bigger fish to fry than MSTing fandom for the rest of my life.

And I'm pretty much avoiding that temptation in order to make art.

So... I assure you, I am not a terrible artist. I am a huge opinionated critic, true, but I have no fears when it comes to my own creative talents. This is what makes me okay with being opinionated.
It makes me okay with being sort of ignorant at the age that I was. It's not exactly terrible ignorance, it's just a "Clearly we didn't know Some Things yet..." sort of feeling. Viewing my non-innocent innocence??

If I had to name some of my problematic comments:
-"Whores" and "bitches" constantly
much more productive to tell you why they're so annoying than to start throwing names around
or referring to women as such anyway
sort of over doing that costantly
- Lots of victim blaming when Sues or Joker victims do something stupid. This is just Hollywood-brainwashing I've overcome. Need to blame the writer for not thinking, not the character; clear distinctions.
- Lots of questioning of seemingly odd behavior that I can say confidently I've sometimes come to experience myself in the height of my insanity (including having messy purple hair, ironically, and also having totally weird thoughts in tonally inappropriate situations, too--the list goes on)
- Not explaining enough about what a Sue is and isn't. I put too much on what the Sue looks like when the only point I'm trying to make is that these writers are defining their female lead characters by how they look, almost primarily, before they think about how their characters actually might appeal to an audience past superficialities.
- Also the huge fact that it's obvious that girls are just underexposed to strong female characters anyway; should anyone be this surprised at the results being Mary Sues everywhere? women are always subjected to this romantic interest role and so of course the Sue does this without fail. It's ridiculous to blame the people who are clearly the victims of

--yeah I'm going to say it because I love fucking Heath Ledger and the Joker and I'm not going to pretend he didn't say everything he needed to say in that role--

Media brainwashing.

"Bad art" is brainwashed art. I have been a Suethor, when I was a child, and I know where it all came from. Meanwhile, these girls shouldn't *have* such a narrow perspective at their age. It shouldn't still be there when it can so easily be gone with *before* puberty. That you can enter the body of other characters just fine and see things from their perspective, not just your original character's.

I realize everyone is different but I'm seeing too much
to the idea of sexual fantasy and involving your personal egos with fictional characters.
Especially in Johnlock these days like wow. I actually read a "well-written" Sue story because it had the worst, stupidest Johnlock plot ever--I was giving it a chance and just.
The pointlessness really gets.
To you.

Like everyone's a baby at writing, suddenly, and never connected to art meaningfully in their whole life?
That fucking scares me.

And yet. And yet. When I go crazy: I see souls and stars shining brightly out from these particularly chosen fics. Quite often they're cries for help, as the Suethor identifies with the Joker enough to know he ain't about bullshit that I come at you all with. He ain't about people like me. They identify enough for me to see they're escaping intensely and imagining intensely. They just can't write for shit. Oh well.

I don't have to be impressed with the presentation. I also don't have to worry about what strange, lost people do with their writing time, eh?

Everyone else could do Suethors a huge favor though and stop bullying them and start looking at them more as the children of the writing world. Or babies? Babies works.

Better yet, work on your own creative arts and focus on you. Don't look at what other kids are doing, not unless you know what planet their from. Otherwise it's going to lead you down the rabbit hole...

Which, to be frank, is a cool place to be. Like I'm pretty happy where I am right now.
Wish I was less alone, but not enough to wish any of you the mental torture I've endured over this feeling of "I don't get it, WHY?"

So I'll try to end on a positive note because I am rambling and clearly need to get back to writing things with where my rambling is going.

Point is: Drop a comment if you still care and you can contact me if you ever want help in your future writing endeavors. This definitely goes for anyone who sees this journal, no matter who you are. Thank you for reading and caring, even if I should've done a better job myself at both. :)
Current Mood: Wired
Current Music: Big Freeze - Muse
nymeria101 on May 21st, 2013 02:26 pm (UTC)
Thank you
First of all, I want to thank you for this post.

I've been following this journal for some time now, anonymously, since I didn't have a livejornal account. This might sound weird, but I made an account just so that I could reply to you and let you know somebody still cares.

Today, I was feeling sad and decided to go back and read some of your older posts and have a few laughs. I was pleasantly surprised when I stumbled upon this update, and I just want to say: I wish the best of luck to you in whatever you want to do in life. Your posts always made me laugh and sort of introduced me to the do's and don'ts of writing in general and gave me an insight in what the reader wants to get from stories. Yet, I have never had the courage to publish any of my writings online because I was too afraid of, well, criticism. I still haven't published anything but this post inspired me, in a way. Especially what you said about the "right" way of writing and I completely agree. I've always felt the need to express myself but was naver brave enough to let anyone else see it since I was so damn insecure and afraid someone wouldn't like my "writing style". Now I'm starting to realize it doesn't really matter. Some people will like it, some won't. What really matters at the end is what it meant and represented to you.
And as for helping others, I don't know if you've helped anyone else, but you definitely helped me.

Thank you for that.

(P.S: Looking forward to the comics! Especially now since I know I might be getting something for free, haha.)